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E3 Expectations are Lowered to Underground.*

E3 Expectations are Lowered to Underground.*

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By now you’ve probably already heard of the downsizing of E3. It’s a move dictated by the course of natural selection. E3 has simply grown too large and as a result is imploding on itself like a red giant star which collapses under the weight of its own massive gravity. Exhibitors have complained that E3 has become more of a spectacle filled with gawkers and tire kickers, and many companies feel they aren’t reaching their target customers. They feel the need to spend more “quality time” with their best clients, customers and associates.

In an effort to allow exhibitors to be more intimate, E3 has been scaled down. From now on you won’t be able to hobnob with the movers and shakers of the gaming industry if you don’t have an appointment or an invitation. You also won’t be getting free martinis in the Staples Center upstairs lounge simply because you have a website dedicated to gaming. Those days are gone, and if the association that runs E3 has its way, those days will be gone forever.

But don’t despair, that is unless the only thing you’ve got going for you is your own little website in which you spout your opinions about games that you play in between your job stocking shelves at the Dollar Store and chatting with your pretend girlfriend online. The rest of us in the industry can look forward to getting all the specialized attention that we can handle from these multi-million dollar companies. Bob E. McRob, president of E3 says that next year’s event is already in the works and if you thought that this year was scaled down, next year is the year of minimalism.

McRob says that companies such as Eidos, EA, and Microsoft are going out of their way to make next year even more memorable than this year by doing things that nobody would expect. McRob says that the E3 organization recently took a vote to rename E3 as EIEIO, but despite the popular polka callback, the original name was upheld by three votes.

“Next year, Square Enix is going to have their booth in someone’s house. It will be in the neighborhood of the Staples arena, but there will be no signs. You’ll have to find it by knocking on all the doors in the community. The first one to find the company will be given half-a-million dollars in company shares, and quite possibly a martini,” say McRob. “Ubisoft will be conducting business at a hot dog stand outside of Staples Center , while Rock Star will be set up among the homeless, offering beans cooked over an open flame and Kool-Aid flavored with the feet of dirty hobos. Microsoft will be at the back table of a Denny’s restaurant, and Nintendo will be set up in a crack house.”

Entertainment will also reflect the new trend. Rock Star will feature live bum fights nightly and Capcom is planning a midnight graveyard exchange in which recently interred bodies will be unearthed and exchanged in different graves, just for the hell of it. Other companies will be adopting a new policy in regards to celebrities. Instead of the likes of cheesy celebrities such as Gary Coleman, Mr. T, Paris Hilton, and someone from Survivor, the companies are pooling their resources and will rent one, big, well-known celebrity. Names being tossed around include Brad Pitt and Ron Jeremy.

Sometimes things get so big that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Thankfully the E3 committee is bulldozing that metaphorical forest down to the ground. That should make just about everybody happy, except those phonies with fake gaming websites.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.

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