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Gamers Camp is something like boot camp for gamers. It’s a special camp designed by the gaming industry to teach kids about the dangers of outdoor activities. Kids will hike, canoe, fish, build fires, cook, and pitch tents in an effort to experience firsthand the horrors of such inconveniences. The creators hope to instill a fear of outdoor activity among the youth that will last a lifetime, so that the kids will forever stay indoors and continue to play video games thus ensuring a future for the industry.
“We started Gamers Camp to help ensure the future of gaming,” confesses founding member Wassal Bricemute. “We can’t invest in our industry if we can’t guarantee that we’re going to have kids playing our games. And they can’t play them if they’re outside doing other things. It’s a well established fact that active kids tend to stay active. We need more sedate and overweight kids. Ones that love to sit and don’t like moving around much. Our industry will die if kids start going outside to play. That’s such an old and outdated activity,” Bricemute claims.
Kids will spend two weeks at Gamers Camp, where they will learn that where there are woods, there are spiders, bears, wolves and most likely monsters lurking in the forest. Kids will be confronted by terrifying spiders in the woodpile when they are forced to gather fuel to build a fire so they won’t starve. They will learn that hot dogs are not cooked in a microwave, and that close proximity to the fire can cause sweating. Fat kids will be restricted to one hot dog without mustard. Breakfast will be whatever is shot, hooked, clubbed, or run over. It’s hoped that the crying will help destroy whatever character may have been inadvertently developed during the adventure.
“There’s no doubt that we lose a few to nature,” sighs Bricemute, “We try to make this as terrifying as possible for those involved, but some of these idiots just don’t get the message. They end up falling in love with the great outdoors and we’ve lost them for life. It’s sad, really sad. I feel sorry for them that they will go through life in a largely upright position, never passing out from a carb overdose of potato chips and soft drinks. What kind of life is that for a child?” he ponders.
Fake dead bodies are littered in the woods along the hiking trail to show kids what exercise can really do to a person. Some of these mannequins have been chewed on by animals to demonstrate the grizzly brutality of nature. Hikes begin at twilight and continue on until long after sundown when the leader takes advantage of the darkness to run away and leave the kids to fend for themselves in the dark, scary forest. Amps and speakers are set up in the woods to play eerie sounds when the kids become lost. If that’s not enough, kids are introduced to outhouses, public toilets that are little more than hole in the ground and have never been cleaned. Some feces samples are more than 50-years old as determined by recent carbon dating methods and an old Playboy magazine found at the bottom. There is no toilet paper, just a dried communal corncob suspended on a string. But the worse is yet to come.
In what is called the trilogy of terror, three terrifying elements are shown only to hardcore cases that need more convincing of the horrors of “getting away from it all.” In the main cabin there is a phonograph player with only one record – a Conway Twitty album. Mounted on the wall is proof of the legendary monster called the Jakelope – a rabbit with the horns of an antelope found lurking in the forest. And last but not least, a PC with only a dialup connection.
Bricemiller adds, “If that’s not enough to scare the beejezzers out of these kids, then perhaps they’re slow or something.”
Gamers Camp is not for the faint of heart. It’s only meant for those that might accidentally entertain the idea that there’s something more to life other than gaming.
*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.