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A former game developer and current psychologist devised what he considers are the definitive 10 best ways to improve gaming skills. The methods are incredibly unusual, some may even say bizarre, but after years of study and research, they have proven incredibly successful. These exercises access different areas of the brain that would normally remain dormant with standard methods. While truth may be stranger than fiction, the proof is in the gaming.
Tensu Xia Yumato is a former Nintendo game developer. He is now a clinical psychologist at the School of Advanced Technologies of Physiological Studies. His research into neurological network nesting, (or NNN as they call it) culminated in thousands of hours of research with test subjects playing videogames while employing various exercises. Computer generated random phrases were used to create new exercises. These phrases were composed of nouns, pronouns, and verbs. They were then used by the test subject to see if they had any effect on gaming skills. The results were astounding.
“As you can well imagine,” Yumato states, “We had some pretty strange phrases coming out of the computer. Stuff like “banana ear hole twist” and “popsicle eye punch.” Of course we tried them all. What we present to you now are the top 10. These exercises do work. We don’t pretend to understand why, but we have our postulates and theorems to offer some kind of explanation. What we did find is that seemingly unrelated activities stimulated other parts of the brain unintentionally. This kind of stimulation proved incredibly powerful. By being able to harness it, we can make gamers as fast and accurate as a robot. And that’s every psychologist’s dream,” sighs Yumato.
Number ten is soiled undergarments. The longer you wear your old underwear, the better you will be at gaming. We think it’s because people will leave you alone.
Number nine is a beard of popcorn. With popcorn threaded on a string, and wrapped around one’s face, the smell of the popped kernels seems to stimulate the limbic system. It could just be that it reminds you of going to the movies, and puts you in a good mood.
Number eight is the gag reflex. Shove a straw or a knife down your throat as far as you can until your gag reflex kicks in. This releases endorphin chemicals in your body to calm you. This exercise is not meant to make you puke, only to make you gag.
Number seven is looking at naughty pictures of overweight, middle-aged women. This one is designed to make you puke and gag. Incredible gaming benefits will be derived.
Number six is bursting into song on a crowded bus. By bypassing your dignity reflex, and acting like a mental patient, you will conquer self-consciousness and performance anxiety. There are actual groupies for purveyors of this activity.
Number five involves sitting on a flagpole. It has something to do with loosening up anal-retentive types. Keep a tissue handy.
Number four will have you dialing the number of your favorite fried chicken outlet five or six times a day. The dialing keeps your fingers dexterous, and the fried chicken keeps you planted in front of the TV with no risk of wanting to burn off energy by running around outdoors.
Number three is an exercise that requires an outside source to prep the material. A friend makes you a comedy recording, either in video format or MP3, but with all of the punch lines carefully edited out. The resulting anger and frustration sends huge waves of adrenaline to the Basil ganglia region of the brain which helps suppress any murderous impulses.
Number two is bashing your head with a hammer. It’s similar to rebooting a computer as it violently disrupts electrochemical synapse connections. The resulting bruising manages to increase blood flow to the brain which is a good thing.
And finally, the number one exercise for becoming a better gamer: Simply add this URL to your Favorites: http://www.cheatcc.com/
*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.