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In order to keep up on orders from everything from designer clothes to the latest in high-tech electronic devices, Santa Claus has been formally charged with farming work out to sweatshops in Asian countries.
Some say this is a case of supply and demand while others say it’s just plain greed. Asian countries typically exploit children and the poor to work in the manufacturing sector under slave-labor conditions. The pay is virtually negligible, often nothing more than a cheap place to sleep and some sloppy gruel to eat. The hours are long and the conditions are deplorable. But these sweatshops are able to crank out the merchandise at a fraction of what it would cost to be produced in other countries.
“Surely you don’t want to disappoint the children,” the lawyer for Mr. Claus explains. “This year there are simply more kids than toys. The elves cannot keep up. Surely we can’t overwork the elves. So in order to make everyone happy we outsourced the work. We were unaware of any problems concerning labor laws or conditions. Surely Santa would not want to make slaves out of the very children that he wants to reward.”
“Don’t let that slick talking snake or that fat b@$*@ fool ya’,” says human rights activist Melvin Slerfew. “Santa’s been treating them elves like slaves for hundreds of years. Have you ever seen an elf? Of course not. Santa won’t let them leave. He’s got a shotgun and he’ll blow their heads clean off if they even think of venturing off the property,” Slerfew adds. “We have a couple of elf skulls here in the office that corroborate such head trauma. And although they are kind of cute, they aren’t a pretty sight.”
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“We ought to take that son of a b%#$ of a lawyer and string him up from a tree,” confides human rights activist Melvin Slerfew (the guy from the second last paragraph – if you’re having trouble following along). “Then we can take his frozen body to each and every town and let the kids decorate it as if it were some kind of Christmas corpse tree. I bet the kids would be lined up around the block to seek vengeance. I wouldn’t be surprised if some poor kids even tried to eat him like a Christmas turkey. It would serve the b@$%* right,” he concludes.
If convicted, Santa could face up to 20 years in prison as well as $500,000 fine. Not to mention that he would be suspended from distributing presents worldwide for all eternity.
Santa, Mrs. Clause, or the elves could not be reached for comment.
*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.