Train Your Psychic Abilities in Minutes a Day*

A new video game in development claims to be able to endow the player with actual psychic abilities. Research scientists from the University of Iowa have confirmed that more than 90 per-cent of test subjects showed clear evidence of psychic powers in less than two weeks of playing the game.

This video game, which is called Psychic Cybernetics, claims to be able to stimulate the cerebral cortex and hippocampus regions of the brain, the areas responsible for producing psychic abilities. The game features a series of intense mini-games similar to Brain Age and other IQ-improvement games with a few major differences. The game requires the use of headphones as well as an electrode-infused helmet which delivers electrical impulses to the brain. The amalgam of visual, audio, and electric stimuli is reported to trigger the brain into producing electrochemical brain waves of an amplitude and frequency that matches those of actual psychics.

“We are absolutely amazed at the results,” says head developer Tom DeLion. “Psychic Cybernetics is not just revolutionary, it’s evolutionary. Imagine being able to do things like read people’s minds, predict the future, and start fires with your imagination. This can all be accomplished in as little as two weeks,” he claims. “You only have to hook up to the game for fifteen minutes a day. There’s nothing to it.”

Earl Halidoy, a spokesperson for LABAONT, (Let’s Always Be Afraid Of New Things) says that games like this can pose a real danger for the human race. “What if this game gets into the wrong hands or minds?” he asks. “We would have terrorists that could access top secret information right out of the minds of high level government officials. Not only that, we would have people that could predict the results of horse races and State lotteries, potentially bankrupting the economy. But let’s not forget that psychics eventually turn into long-haired hippie freaks. Or nerds from Star Trek.”

“Mr. Halidoy is obviously a very scared and paranoid person,” remarks DeLion. “Our game does not target the evil areas of the brain. We have conducted research on serial killers and used car salesmen and discovered which areas of the brain to avoid stimulating. It’s impossible to use this gift for evil. And the way I see it, I foresee that Mr. Halidoy will have a terrible accident in early February that will render him a quadriplegic. So he will have more important things to worry about than “weirdoes.”

“Really? I’m going to be paralyzed for life?” asks Halidoy. “And Mr. DeLion can see this? If he’s a psychic, then he knows how this will happen to me. For the love of God, can you tell me what I can do to prevent this catastrophic tragedy?”

“Sorry. You’ll have to wait until the game is released,” replies DeLion.

Psychic Cybernetics is scheduled for a Summer 2008 release.

*This article is presented as an exclusive Cheat Code Central feature titled “Are you dumb enough to believe this?” Please check back each Friday for the newest edition.