You’ve seen the ads in comic books. Sea Monkeys. Those green, crown-pronged, aquatic humanoid-shaped characters that you raise in an aquarium. But what do you do with them after they reach maturity? You play video games with them, according to researcher and Sea-Monkey-ologist Tommy Toledo.
“Sea Monkeys are inquisitive, adventurous, and intelligent. So intelligent in fact, that they can be trained to play video games,” claims Toledo.
Giving life to a family of Sea Monkeys is as easy opening a packet of Sea Monkey eggs and adding water. After a gentle stir, the Sea Monkeys begin to come alive; freed from their embryonic suspended state. With diligent feeding and lots of love, the Sea Monkeys start to mature in less than six months. Full-grown Sea Monkeys are just a little smaller than the average human child. They make great pets, and the Sea Monkey teenage girls have long been a secret favorite of young boys too shy or repulsive to interact with real human girls.
“I wouldn’t have believed it myself,” says Tommy Toledo. “We already know that these creature can be somewhat mischievous, sneaking out of the aquarium at night to throw rocks at barking dogs, or swimming up sewer pipes to bite peoples’ arses when they are sitting on the toilet. But if able to channel their energies, they make excellent video game opponents. They have excellent hand-eye coordination. With a little training they can give any gamer a run for their money.”
Toledo says that it won’t be long until developers add a Sea Monkey mode in addition to the standard Multiplayer mode. He says that Sea Monkeys like shooting games and games that have a simple arcade quality to them. They are easily amused, and easily bored. They respond well to training, but Toledo says that you should never turn your back on an angry Sea Monkey.
“It appears that in addition to listening to Conway Twitty albums and chewing snuff, Sea Monkeys love playing video games,” says Toledo. “You have to be careful to completely wrap the controller in plastic so that it doesn’t get wet when you hand it to them. They also don’t like to share, so you can expect some fighting and splashing to occur. I like to hit them with a curtain rod to keep them in line. The squeals they make are funny sounding, but it’s important not to laugh so that you appear stern and serious to them. I did say they were intelligent, they just aren’t very smart,” adds Toledo.
While Sea Monkeys may make great video game partners, they are also make great eating. “If you like seafood, you’ve simply got to try Sea Monkey legs. They are incredible,” boasts Toledo. “I like to skin and fry them up in full view of their family, just to let them know who’s boss. I don’t want them sneaking out of the aquarium at night and getting their hands on a loaded gun at the pawnshop down the street.”
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Sea Monkey Gamers*