Secrets Of The PS Vita Revealed*
It’s the latest and greatest gaming system, says Sony of the PlayStation Vita. Not only is it the most powerful handheld device ever created, it also has many secrets that will see it rival the mighty next-gen consoles. And we know what those secrets are.

The PS Vita has a multitude of features that Sony is keeping secret at the time. The company hopes to leak these secret features every few months to generate continuous interest in the device through media updates and word-of-mouth. But there’s no reason to wait. We are “in the know,” and are going to reveal those secrets right now.

Our eternal gratitude to the Japanese developer that shared this information with us; and our deepest sympathies to his grieving family.

The PS Vita will play every game ever made, from any system. That’s right, it will even play Xbox 360 games in addition to the Famicom, Atari 2600, Dreamcast, and NES, just to name a few. All you have to do is scan the disk or cartridge with the supplied probing device, and the PS Vita will retrieve the information and render a game exactly as it was meant to be played, but on a smaller screen.

The PS Vita is a landscaper. That’s not a metaphor. It will actually excavate and move dirt, as well as cut your lawn. You will have to purchase the kit, which includes a chassis, tires, scoop, dozer, and blade. Plan your backyard renovation with the onscreen blueprint, and relax in the hammock while the PS Vita does all the work. The PS Vita is a small machine, so you may expect the work to take several years.

As a weapon, the PS Vita can be used as a boomerang. Throw it at an assailant, and after it lands a devastating blow, it will return to the thrower. We are told that with the PS-Tol (pistol) attachment, it will fire potato plugs at lethal velocity. Pepper spray pellets will also be made available.

A concentrically focused laser eliminates wrinkles, allowing for instant facelifts. Use the VitaVanity to keep yourself looking vibrant and youthful. Open up your own salon business. It will also trim unwanted hair, beards, and moustaches–even on men.

The GPS is a great feature if you have a destination in mind but aren’t sure how to get there. The VPS takes things a few steps further by actually planning a trip for you, even if you don’t have any plans for a trip. The VPS will tell you where to go, why you should go there, what to expect when you get there, and how to get there. It’s great for those that have no real social life or have difficulty making decisions. In order to ensure you follow the VPS’s logistics, the PS Vita will emit an annoying beeping sound until you actually go to the destination in question. There is no way to turn that sound off other than physically being in that vicinity.

Whether hunting, fishing, bird watching, photographing nature, or in any way interacting with wildlife, the PS Vita will emit a call to the species of your desire. It will call deer, moose, pike, weasels, macaws, budgies, cats, rats, giraffes, dolphins, elephants, spiders, and penguins. It will even call you an idiot if you forget to turn it off.

The PS Vita will do everything except transport you to the sixth dimension; not at least until 2015 when the PS Vita 6th Dimension app is scheduled for release.

By Cole Smith

03/17/2012 05:38PM

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